Gifts, Rightly Given
Honoring the intended timing of Good gifts, Sidecar 6.1
Thoughts
For some of us, it hasn't been that long since we were kids anticipating an upcoming birthday or Christmas morning. For others, I imagine the memories and feelings are still not far enough away to be inaccessible. Whether it's personally relatable or not, we can all picture it: the child taking the first moment of secretive solitude to steal away to their parents' closet. Maybe they already cracked the code, knowing precisely what sequence of boxes to take out to reveal the hiding place for presents. Maybe as a novice they rummage through blindly, leaving tracks, or perhaps the novice parent has left the gifts in clear view. Imagine their feeling of elation of finding the gift--the one they really wanted--sitting right there before their eyes.
For a select few, this simple satisfaction is all that's needed. They return to life, patiently biding their time until they feign surprise on the day that they get to unwrap in front of an audience. But that likely is the minority.
For the rest, it feels like the air has been let out of the balloon. The anticipation of Christmas morning just took a nosedive down and to the right, knowing now full well what lies beneath those beautifully wrapped and bowed boxes. Maybe they can half-pretend to be surprised or excited. Or worse yet gifts hidden and wrapped were discovered and unwrapped, fully soiling the opportunity for their gift to be rightly given.
As adults, we sort of mature beyond this (shoutout to all my givers who can't wait, and give their significant others gifts immediately upon arrival). But if we're honest, I think there's a part in each of us that lives on with this same impulse: to seek out what we want, to not wait, to want it now, and to use any means necessary to have it.
I like to think about gift giving as making a withdrawal from an imaginary bank. This bank is large and ornate with marble floors and tall columns, and stores an incredible currency: Joy. When a gift is given, one singular withdrawal yields multiple recipients. A gift getter takes some of the joy, a gift giver gets perhaps even more (as we've heard it is better to give than to receive)1, and in some circumstances, when there is a meaningful enough spectator, a gift witness goes home with a little joy in his pocket, too.
Returning to the image of the child rummaging through a closet in search of a gift that will be given them, the sad reality is that unknowingly they are thieving joy. They are rushing to the very bank that dispenses joy, demanding a withdrawal, and receiving it. But interestingly, the total amount of the withdrawal is significantly smaller. It’s as if a change machine dispensed fewer quarters than expected. The getter doesn't get isn't quite as much as they could have, the amount for the giver is gone nearly in its entirety, and the witness, well, he's been cut out of the transaction altogether.
Now, there's no sense in harshly condemning these little “thieves of joy” as they are not yet expected to comprehend the total effects of their actions. But it's a useful picture to pull forward in our own chronologies to identify and examine the parts in us that are still that same impetuous child.
Taking a gift before its time isolates the individual, steals joy from the exchange, and bankrupts the giver's original intentions.
If you read that sentence a few more times, you may begin to properly see the nature of a gift, in that timing is an absolutely essential part of it.
Good gifts are intended for a specific time. And that includes good surprises or random gifts--those often are timely in their own right. To not honor the timing robs joy from both giver and receiver.
Until next time,
Things
📚 I was looking back on my “read” list to determine what the highlights from the last few years have been. If you’re looking to add anything to your 2025 TBR, my top recommendations from the last few years:
Non Fiction: Deep Work and Slow Productivity by Cal Newport, Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer, and Shop Class as Soulcraft by Matthew Crawford
Fiction: Captain Blood by Raphael Sabatini and Ishmael by E.D.E.N Southworth
🎵 33° by hey, nothing - this EP has three wonderful wintery tracks, 33° Barn Nursery and Sick Dogs. Sick Dogs is my current frontrunner for favorite song of 2025.
⛪️ I’ve just returned from a short retreat away. If you find yourself thinking “how can it already be February?” I highly recommend not finding, but making the time this year to set a few days aside to rest and think. It’s far too easy to allow the busyness of life trample the very purpose of it all.
Thank you, as always, for reading. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me here in the comments, or by email at writejohnduffy@protonmail.com. I love to hear your thoughts on the discussed topics, as well as what you are reading, writing, consuming or creating. Engaging with you all on the above is truly the best part of writing. Cheers.
Gen and I were talking about this early this morning I will be your joy thief any day ;)