The Practice of Friendship 👥
The Sidecar, Vol V. No. 6
Greetings
The Sidecar returns this month after taking an extended Summer Vacation. For me this included moving, traveling abroad, working, studying, lifting, climbing and all sorts of other gerunds in-between. It’s good to be back. Thanks to all who reached out inquiring about the next issue. Your encouragement and readership truly mean a lot. Looking forward to the engaging dialogue to come!
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival” -C.S. Lewis
Thoughts
Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics serves as somewhat of a guide to achieving Eudaimonia--or Happiness and Flourishing. In the seventh chapter, Aristotle discusses the most ideal form of friendship. It requires both parties to have virtue--something hard to find to begin with. Friends must genuinely wish the good of the other for the other's sake, without any self interest. In addition, they must know and respect each other deeply, familiar with and accepting of the true character of the other. Only then are the ingredients present for this high-order friendship. The presence of ingredients is not enough on its own. It is then consistent communion over long spans of time that forges this "Friendship of the Good."
While self-evident to many, the value of friendship lies in the role it plays in helping us live a good life--one of happiness, wisdom, virtue, purpose and connection. The quality of our friendships serve as good reflections of our progress in attaining this. Friendship serves some practical utility too in addition to making our journeys just a bit more enjoyable.
Today, we have hollowed out the meaning of friendship. It's devolved into a shallow enterprise, mostly hijacked for reputational enrichment rather than anything. Technology promotes the worst of it: Instagram follower counts, snapchat friend badges and MySpace "top ten" lists are proxies from which people incorrectly derive a sense of value. And many friends "IRL" show up only when it's convenient.
Recently, I saw an issue raised online about the dissatisfaction of a man among his male friendships, characterizing them as shallow and unsatisfying. He cited occasions of serious inquiry with his "friends" like asking about the passing of their relatives or their divorce proceedings, all met with shrugs and brusque dismissals of "I'm fine."
I feel some resonance with as well as have compassion for the author, who was swiftly assailed by the online mob of self-proclaimed "alpha males" who need little introduction beyond some of their assertions on the initial comment: "men are programmed for war, not girl talk," "Real men do not need to talk about their feelings," "there's no way a man authored this post" in addition to other colorful remarks not worth repeating.
While the classic, "Men don't talk about their feelings" trope is a little worn, I think there's a different phenomenon at work here. I don't think this is simply a cultural hangover from a generation raised in the wake of World Wars and Depression.
You may be on board with that and add that it's simply our societal perception of weakness that prevents men from any sort of cognitive processing of emotional events. But, like a playground bully who often selects a target in whom he identifies his own insecurity, I think there's something deeper at play here: Not talking about things isn't just a method of avoiding the perception of weakness--it's an avoidance of admission that they don't have the tools to begin with.
I've witnessed many occasions where a man is looking for the words when someone else finds them. They identify immediately as if they've found a missing puzzle piece: "Yes!" they exclaim, "That's exactly how I feel." For many, it's easier to outsource than take ownership.
You might ask, "Well, what's the problem? Aren't we doing okay with the way things are?"
To which I respond: "No, we are not."
40% of all men show depressive symptoms.
44% of all men had thoughts of suicide in the prior two weeks
65% of men aged 18 to 23 say that “no one really knows me well.”
48% say their online lives are more engaging and rewarding than their offline lives.
15% of men claim that they have no close friends, and roughly 50% have 3 or fewer close friends (2021).
Men are 4x more likely to commit suicide than women
U.S. Male suicide reached its peak in 2022 of 14.3 per 100k
Men account for 80% of all suicides despite representing 50% of the population
Deep and meaningful friendships, however, seem to be a potent antidote to this crisis:
A review of 38 studies found that friendships significantly predict wellbeing and can protect against issues such as depression and anxiety--and those benefits persist across lifespan
Friendships protect us in part by changing the way our bodies physiologically respond to stress.
Studying friendship has found similar brain activity among friends in regions responsible for a range of functions including motivation, reward, identity and sensory processing.
Loneliness, on the other hand, increases the risk for heart attack, stroke and premature death
Because this is a complex problem, I don't believe there's one obvious panacea that we're all missing. But with many facets come many opportunities for approach, and I believe cultivating deep friendships is a good place to start.
By the time an up-and-coming athlete awaits a phone call for their respective league's draft, they have already put in the work. They spent years taking reps, and years breaking down their sport into individual parts to improve. No one is surprised if a one-dimensional player gets passed over.
Participating in deep and virtuous friendships doesn't happen by accident. Just as a call from the New York Yankees or the Toronto Maple Leafs doesn't happen accidentally. Drafted athletes have worked to perfect the parts of their game, so why shouldn't a discipline like friendship receive similar attention?
For those of us who suck at articulating what we're thinking and feeling: it's time to start practicing. Confront the overwhelming cloud of jumbled thoughts inside of your head. Write them down. Speak them aloud. Understand that this will be difficult. We don't shoot 25/25 clay pigeons our first day pulling the trigger. This will take time and will feel uncomfortable. But it's worth it.
In the end we may not make it to Aristotle's ideal. But surely we can muster the effort to start treating friendship with a degree of intensity for it to serve us well in the pursuit of human flourishing.
Until next time,
Things
📝 “The Intelligence Age” - Sam Altman envisions an AI future that doesn’t depress human creativity and initiative, but rather one that stokes and liberates it to a degree never yet experienced. His whole perspective in the essay available here.
📚 A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. A tender memoir of love, loss, and faith. It traces the romance between Vanauken and his wife, Davy, whose shared devotion creates a private world of beauty and passion. While studying in Oxford, Sheldon fosters a friendship with C.S. Lewis after exchanging interrogatory letters about Christianity. The book includes a number of letters from Lewis, and illustrates that at times the greatest loves experience a divine and severe mercy.
📚 Slow Productivity by Cal Newport. beckons us away from the frenzy of modern work, inviting a slower, more deliberate pace. He advocates for deep focus and fewer tasks, allowing us to savor our work, avoiding burnout and reclaiming creativity. Newport’s vision is of a world where productivity is not about doing more, but about doing less with grace and intention, letting ideas ripen in the quiet spaces of our days, leading to richer, more fulfilling results.
🎵 Covering Faces - Carlie Hanson. A smooth single from an upcoming talent. Evokes a good fall vibe if you’re looking for one, especially alongside SPEYSIDE by Bon Iver.
Thank you for reading, I sincerely appreciate it. I would love to hear from you, whether it be your thoughts on anything above, or any recommendations on food, wine, music, books, movies, shows, etc. that could find their way into a future issue. Or simply drop me a note to say hello! Reach me at writejohnduffy@protonmail.com - I look forward to hearing from you.
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As always, John, you bring a fresh and meditative insight into an important and vital topic. I find your post on friendship is complemented by your review of Cal Newport's Slow Productivity. Friendships are not based on clicks or likes, but on long-term, intentional cultivation or attention. We will have many 'friends' over the course of life, most of which devolve into acquaintances, if we're honest. On the flip side, we know those friends we have that no matter how much time or distance has separated us, when we do spend time together, it's as familiar as if we saw each other last week.
You have illuminated the benefits of pursuing these friendships, which granted are easier for women than men. But to your point, it's not that men don't have feelings or yearn for deep friendship, it's just being ill-equipped to how to pursue them. It's finding a friend, and often it's only one, with whom there is enough trust to be transparent and vulnerable - and inivite the friend to do and be the same.
I pray this post sparks consideration, thoughts and even the practice of talking to one's self in expression of feelings in pursuit of deeper, closer, authentic friendships.